me and the guy no one knows about

How did it feel to be my favorite person?

Miserable? I really have no idea.
We bonded over looong conversations, and eventually, it became an everyday thing.
I still remember you asking me if it was just the honeymoon phase thingy.
Honestly, I don't know.
Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't.
Thank you for making me euphoric with your love.
And later, making me realize the pain of losing that love.

To the guy who made me believe in the beauty of beginnings rather than the misery of endings (well, it didn't even happen).

The coffee, the biscuit, the evening with kutty lights, us nervous but somehow managing to talk to each other.
The hug, the kiss.
How else can the beginning of something get more special than this?
You know how it felt to be with you?
Oh wait! Do you know what seeing you walking towards me felt like?
I swear, I have never felt euphoric, just by staring at someone smiling and walking towards me.
When you came and sat opposite me, I was disappointed because I wanted to sit closer to you.
The conversations we had were about random "I don't even remember" things, but I can still feel the way you made me feel special in those conversations.
How could someone make someone feel so special?
You remember the way we talked?
You overtook every other person in my life at that moment, and now I realise it could have been love or maybe more.
I saw myself being happy for just the existence of a person in my life, and what else could it be other than love?
I wish I had met you in a better phase of both our lives.

I’ve had nights after our phone conversations where I couldn’t sleep thinking about you.
I remember telling you "I love you" for the first time and you called me up and asked if I was being serious.
Yes, I love you.
I never was okay then to tell you this.

To the guy who hugged me longer, or I hugged longer — or both ways.

From our first coffee to our last sex, things definitely did change.
Though the realization that this is not going to be the same anymore hurts a lot,
I cannot stop loving you until
I forget the smell of your hug,
I forget the warmth of your hug,
I forget the feeling of your hug,
I forget the comfort of your hug.
I know everything is only about the hug? Nah.
You touched me with your heart, or maybe I was just fantasizing it.
With those warmest hugs you gave, though you never wanted to, ever.
You made me fall in love, just with those hugs.
Little did I know that the kiss on your cheeks would be the most cherished memory of ours for me.
I remember talking to you randomly, making no sense, after you came home from Varanasi out of anxiety and it might be the beginning of the end (or whatever you call this stage).
But I couldn't help it.
I was being a silly girl child who got to play with her most favorite friend after so loong.
I know I messed up. Overgiving kills a relationship. Always.
I was so in love with your hugs that I forgot you, literally.
I can never explain the magic I was in, when you came closer every time.
I can still feel it.
After all this yes, I can still feel your hugs.

To the guy who held my hand, or whose hands I held tighter.

You made me believe that holding hands is nothing less when it comes to the person you love.
I want you to always remember that I will never forget the way you held my hands when I needed them the most.
From casually holding them to holding mine during a doctor’s appointment
At that moment, I knew I was falling in love with you beyond my limits.

To the guy for whom I was the first.

When we had sex for the first time, I was already in love with you for a million times.
The only sex I remember and cherish is our first.
You remember the way you caressed me?
I'm taking it to my grave!
The first touch that made my inner child feel content.
For me, I have had a lifetime of love with you.
Because I've got more than enough love from you (in my love language).
Or maybe subconsciously, I know I won't get it anymore.

To the guy you were — is whom I miss the most in my life right now.

I miss your messages checking on me if I was okay.
I miss your hugs, which were never easy for you thank you for doing it for me mostly.
I miss the special feeling I got when I was with you.

To the guy whom I will always have a fantasy life to live with in my head
I know you probably can't understand the emotions I'm talking about here...
Just want to let you know that even if the adult in me loses the love for you,
The child in me will never stop loving you.

I love you 💛

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